So this dragon or something escaped from somewhere and a bunch of elementals started to attack Orgrimmar and Thunder Bluff. An ideal time for King Varian "I have a vagina" Wrynn to extend the olive branch and avoid the eventual ass-kicking.
But no.
He's all "Waa! That giant dragon landed on my city, knocked over a statue, and DID NOTHING ELSE!" Of course I understand. That's what a loser would say. "Sorry, I can't help you because a giant dragon didn't destroy my city."
Pussy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I'm not a racist, but...
With all of this race-changing nonsense going on nowadays, people are paying a lot of attention to the unique racial abilities that are available to both Horde and Alliance.
Let's take a look at them, shall we?
ALLIANCE
Dwarf: Stoneform. Removes poison, bleed and disease. Also increases your armor. Translation: You turn yourself into a rock, in the way that heroes did in songs of glory and valor. Very brave.
Gnome: Escape Artist. Escape the effects of any immobilization or movement speed reduction effect. Translation: RUN AWAY!
Human: Each Man for Himself. Removes all movement impairing effects and all effects which cause loss of control of your character. Translation: RUN AWAY FASTER THAN THE GNOMES CAN!
Night Elf: Shadowmeld. Activate to slip into the shadows, reducing the chance for enemies to detect your presence. Translation: I CAN'T RUN! HIDE ME!
Draenei: Gift of the Naaru. Heals the target of X damage over 15sec. Translation: I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE! SAVE ME!
Worgen: Darkflight. Activates your true form, increasing movement speed by 70% for 10 sec. Translation: The true form for the Alliance, which involves running faster. Away. See entries for Gnome, Human and Night Elf above.
Full of glory and valor, huh? Compare these to the abilities of brave Horde members:
Orc: Blood Fury. Activate to increase attack power and spell power by an amount based on level/class for 15 seconds. Translation: ATTACK!
Tauren: War Stomp. Activate to stun opponents - Stuns up to 5 enemies within 8 yards for 2 seconds. Translation: I can take on 5 opponents because I'm not a pussy. The only time an Alliance soldier would fight 5 opponents within 8 yards is when the doughnut shop is having a sale.
Troll: Berserking. Activate to increase attack and casting speed by 20% for 10 seconds. Translation: Increases ATTACK and CASTING speed. Not RUNNING and HIDING speed.
Forsaken: Will of the Forsaken. Removes any Charm, Fear and Sleep effect. Translation: removes any effect that prevents you from attacking. ATTACK!
Blood Elf: Arcane Torrent. Activate to silence all enemies within 8 yards for 2 seconds. Translation: The time for talking is over. ATTACK!
Goblin: Rocket Jump. Activates your rocket belt to jump forward. Translation: Note the word FORWARD. Ideal positioning to ATTACK!
There you have it. Maybe the Horde isn't for you. Maybe you're not brave or honorable. Maybe you'd rather run and hide. If that's the case, your color might just be blue.
For the rest of us...ATTACK!
Let's take a look at them, shall we?
ALLIANCE
Dwarf: Stoneform. Removes poison, bleed and disease. Also increases your armor. Translation: You turn yourself into a rock, in the way that heroes did in songs of glory and valor. Very brave.
Gnome: Escape Artist. Escape the effects of any immobilization or movement speed reduction effect. Translation: RUN AWAY!
Human: Each Man for Himself. Removes all movement impairing effects and all effects which cause loss of control of your character. Translation: RUN AWAY FASTER THAN THE GNOMES CAN!
Night Elf: Shadowmeld. Activate to slip into the shadows, reducing the chance for enemies to detect your presence. Translation: I CAN'T RUN! HIDE ME!
Draenei: Gift of the Naaru. Heals the target of X damage over 15sec. Translation: I CAN'T RUN OR HIDE! SAVE ME!
Worgen: Darkflight. Activates your true form, increasing movement speed by 70% for 10 sec. Translation: The true form for the Alliance, which involves running faster. Away. See entries for Gnome, Human and Night Elf above.
Full of glory and valor, huh? Compare these to the abilities of brave Horde members:
Orc: Blood Fury. Activate to increase attack power and spell power by an amount based on level/class for 15 seconds. Translation: ATTACK!
Tauren: War Stomp. Activate to stun opponents - Stuns up to 5 enemies within 8 yards for 2 seconds. Translation: I can take on 5 opponents because I'm not a pussy. The only time an Alliance soldier would fight 5 opponents within 8 yards is when the doughnut shop is having a sale.
Troll: Berserking. Activate to increase attack and casting speed by 20% for 10 seconds. Translation: Increases ATTACK and CASTING speed. Not RUNNING and HIDING speed.
Forsaken: Will of the Forsaken. Removes any Charm, Fear and Sleep effect. Translation: removes any effect that prevents you from attacking. ATTACK!
Blood Elf: Arcane Torrent. Activate to silence all enemies within 8 yards for 2 seconds. Translation: The time for talking is over. ATTACK!
Goblin: Rocket Jump. Activates your rocket belt to jump forward. Translation: Note the word FORWARD. Ideal positioning to ATTACK!
There you have it. Maybe the Horde isn't for you. Maybe you're not brave or honorable. Maybe you'd rather run and hide. If that's the case, your color might just be blue.
For the rest of us...ATTACK!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Death. Stop being such a pussy about it.
It was over a year ago that the incident at Angrathar the Wrath Gate occurred. This event impressed the hell out of me. The Alliance actually attacking the front of something? I thought I must be seeing things.
Of course they weren't particularly good at this new tactic. Bolvar Fordragon, becoming easily overwhelmed (as expected) required a rescue from Dranosh Saurfang.
I won't bore you with the details. You all know what happened. After the event, a brave member of the Horde gathered young Saurfang's armor from the battlefield and flew back to Warsong Hold to inform High Overlord Varok Saurfang of his son's death.
His response? "My son died in battle, which is the most awesome thing ever. Cry and I'll stab you."
I may be paraphrasing there, but I got the gist of it.
Someone somewhere evidently had to go tell Varian "Worship me" Wrynn. I don't know what his response was, but it was evident by what he did next.
The Battle for the Undercity was a mighty affair. Demons poured from seemingly endless dimensions to try and overwhelm a small group of Horde heroes. Of course the Horde won. We always win.
The second the battle is over, who turns up but Old Whinypants himself. "Blah blah, whine whine, Bolvar is dead and I'm gonna get you etc."
I imagine the thought process went something like this:
Wrynn: "They killed Bolvar. Waaa!"
Soldier: "Sir, should we make funeral arrangements in order to properly honor our fallen comrade in a manner befitting a brave soldier?"
Wrynn: "NO! I wanna kill something. I wanna make them all pay, and hopefully in a way that is an embarrassment to myself and others."
Soldier: "Sir, we have intelligence reports that state three of the Horde leaders are currently en route to the Undercity in order to reclaim it. Shall we mount an intercept force and engage them?"
Wrynn: *gulp* "Err, why don't we wait until the battle is over? You know, let them warm up. That sort of thing."
Soldier: "Of course sir. How very Alliance of us."
Of course, Lady Jania rescued Wrynn right before Thrall was about to make him eat his own hand. A pity, really. We've seen how Wrynn handles death. I wouldn't mind seeing how he handles dying.
Of course they weren't particularly good at this new tactic. Bolvar Fordragon, becoming easily overwhelmed (as expected) required a rescue from Dranosh Saurfang.
I won't bore you with the details. You all know what happened. After the event, a brave member of the Horde gathered young Saurfang's armor from the battlefield and flew back to Warsong Hold to inform High Overlord Varok Saurfang of his son's death.
His response? "My son died in battle, which is the most awesome thing ever. Cry and I'll stab you."
I may be paraphrasing there, but I got the gist of it.
Someone somewhere evidently had to go tell Varian "Worship me" Wrynn. I don't know what his response was, but it was evident by what he did next.
The Battle for the Undercity was a mighty affair. Demons poured from seemingly endless dimensions to try and overwhelm a small group of Horde heroes. Of course the Horde won. We always win.
The second the battle is over, who turns up but Old Whinypants himself. "Blah blah, whine whine, Bolvar is dead and I'm gonna get you etc."
I imagine the thought process went something like this:
Wrynn: "They killed Bolvar. Waaa!"
Soldier: "Sir, should we make funeral arrangements in order to properly honor our fallen comrade in a manner befitting a brave soldier?"
Wrynn: "NO! I wanna kill something. I wanna make them all pay, and hopefully in a way that is an embarrassment to myself and others."
Soldier: "Sir, we have intelligence reports that state three of the Horde leaders are currently en route to the Undercity in order to reclaim it. Shall we mount an intercept force and engage them?"
Wrynn: *gulp* "Err, why don't we wait until the battle is over? You know, let them warm up. That sort of thing."
Soldier: "Of course sir. How very Alliance of us."
Of course, Lady Jania rescued Wrynn right before Thrall was about to make him eat his own hand. A pity, really. We've seen how Wrynn handles death. I wouldn't mind seeing how he handles dying.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Heroism
I'm in the middle of an undercover operation, so the updates aren't going to be as quick.
However, let me share with you what I have discovered so far.
Brave members of the Horde have access to a very fine spell called Bloodlust. The effects of this spell allow the inner rage to come forth and assist us in the slaying of our enemies.
The Alliance have access to a cheap copy of this spell. Of course, not being brave warriors, Bloodlust would not do these cowards a bit of good. The Alliance version is called 'Heroism'.
This just confirms my suspicions. The Alliance are only capable of being heroic when under the effects of a spell. Not only that, but this brand of heroism only lasts a few seconds. After this time is up, these cowards are incapable of heroism for ten more minutes.
Brave warriors? I think not. At this point the only thing stopping an all-out slaughter in Stormwind is the fact that the Horde are honorable warriors who do not strike an opponent from behind, and the Alliance spend a great deal of time *ahem* retreating.
However, let me share with you what I have discovered so far.
Brave members of the Horde have access to a very fine spell called Bloodlust. The effects of this spell allow the inner rage to come forth and assist us in the slaying of our enemies.
The Alliance have access to a cheap copy of this spell. Of course, not being brave warriors, Bloodlust would not do these cowards a bit of good. The Alliance version is called 'Heroism'.
This just confirms my suspicions. The Alliance are only capable of being heroic when under the effects of a spell. Not only that, but this brand of heroism only lasts a few seconds. After this time is up, these cowards are incapable of heroism for ten more minutes.
Brave warriors? I think not. At this point the only thing stopping an all-out slaughter in Stormwind is the fact that the Horde are honorable warriors who do not strike an opponent from behind, and the Alliance spend a great deal of time *ahem* retreating.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Truth about Dwarves
Really? REALLY, Alliance? You really expect us to believe that your Dwarves are 200 feet tall and vomit drinking water?
I can't wait to hear about your blue Elves. The ones that juggle delicious cheeses and fart in seven different languages.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Hail to the new Lich King!
So of course you all know about the Lich King. That guy has been all anyone has been talking about in the last year. The biggest threat to Azeroth since Humans.
The Lich King, Human Prince Arthas, has been causing problems for the Horde, but nothing we cannot handle. The Alliance has also been trying to silence the Lich King. I would also be trying to hide the fact that a human is showing his true colors. The problem with killing the Lich King is that he rarely turns his back, thus depriving the Alliance of their most prevalent battle tactic.
But lo! It seems the Horde is victorious! The Lich King has fallen (by the blade of the Horde, naturally) and last year's winner of Ian's Least Objectionable Human Award(tm), Tirion Fordring, tries to put the helmet on. Really Tirion? You saw how well a human fared whist wearing that bedamned ghost hat this past five years! How about giving some other race a go? That thing looks big enough for a Tauren! Why are you trying to keep the power of the Lich King inside your secret club?
Well it matters not. Fordring opted to give the helmet to Bolvar Fordragon, whose claim to fame thus far has been getting both himself and young Saurfang killed at the Wrathgate. Jobs for the boys, Fordring! Jobs for the boys!
Just think how different the world would be with a Tauren, Orc, Troll, Blood Elf or Forsaken Lich King. Hell, the Forsaken wouldn't even have to change their wardrobe...
The Lich King, Human Prince Arthas, has been causing problems for the Horde, but nothing we cannot handle. The Alliance has also been trying to silence the Lich King. I would also be trying to hide the fact that a human is showing his true colors. The problem with killing the Lich King is that he rarely turns his back, thus depriving the Alliance of their most prevalent battle tactic.
But lo! It seems the Horde is victorious! The Lich King has fallen (by the blade of the Horde, naturally) and last year's winner of Ian's Least Objectionable Human Award(tm), Tirion Fordring, tries to put the helmet on. Really Tirion? You saw how well a human fared whist wearing that bedamned ghost hat this past five years! How about giving some other race a go? That thing looks big enough for a Tauren! Why are you trying to keep the power of the Lich King inside your secret club?
Well it matters not. Fordring opted to give the helmet to Bolvar Fordragon, whose claim to fame thus far has been getting both himself and young Saurfang killed at the Wrathgate. Jobs for the boys, Fordring! Jobs for the boys!
Just think how different the world would be with a Tauren, Orc, Troll, Blood Elf or Forsaken Lich King. Hell, the Forsaken wouldn't even have to change their wardrobe...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Media Blackout
And once again, martial law is declared in Azeroth! No doubt giving the Alliance a chance to cover up some more of their vicious atrocities.
It makes me sick that they require several hours per week to do this. And I wonder what nefarious reason they have for choosing their day as Tuesday?
Bin mog g'thazag cha
It makes me sick that they require several hours per week to do this. And I wonder what nefarious reason they have for choosing their day as Tuesday?
Bin mog g'thazag cha
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
4 Reasons Why Horde Rules
Lok'Tar Azeroth!
On the fence? Still need to be convinced?
Here are 4 quick reasons why the Horde is the superior side:
1. THE HORDE IS MORE TOLERANT.
Let's face facts. If you join the Horde, you're joining a diverse collection of like-minded beings. Sure we have differences, as only cross-culturalism can provide, but we're a family. Sometimes families squabble, but at the end of the day we still break bread with each other over stories of Alliance cowardice.
If you join the Alliance however, you're simply joining a society that is unwilling to treat you as an equal but still willing to use your stuff. Case in point? Take a look at the map of Stormwind. See the top right? That there, my friends, is the Dwarven Quarter.
Seriously. The Alliance values the Dwarves so much, they are FORCED to live in a different part of the city. Do you get this kind of thing in ANY Horde city?
Absolutely not.
I say this now, Dwarves of Azeroth. You don't have to live by the rules of scumbags like this. Come over to the Horde. We make the best beer anyway. We'll even give you a place to put your hammer. (Bury it in a human. HA!)
2. THE HORDE WINS THE GUNSHIP BATTLE ALL OF THE TIME.
I'll say this about the Skybreaker. It's built well. How else can it suffer the same pounding week after week and still keep coming back? Every Thursday night my guild and I board the Orgrim's Hammer to try and stop the Scourge once and for all, and every time the Skybreaker appears out of nowhere to try and stop us.
It makes me wonder why they're interfering in our mission. Do they WANT the scourge to overrun Azeroth?
Why would anybody want to be part of a team that takes a beating so badly and so often?
3. HORDE HAS THE COOLEST MOTORCYCLES.
Nothing beats the Mechano-hog. It's big, it's loud and it fits two Taurens. The Alliance equivalent showcases the whiny entitlement we've come to admire. "Mekgineer's Chopper". Meh.
Now I don't know who this "Mekgineer" fellow is, but he seems quite happy to take credit for every single Alliance motorcycle out there. Is he really that needy? The Mechano-hog has no owner. It's the equivalent of a wild animal. Owned by nothing, slave to no-one.
4. THE HORDE CAPITAL CITIES ARE MUCH MORE PEACEFUL.
I tell you, every now and then I have the "honor" of visiting an Alliance city. (Actually I have to admit, Stormwind and Ironforge are quite impressive. And The Exodar is a crashed spaceship, which is pretty cool.)
However, I can't really enjoy myself since a fight is almost guaranteed to break out within thirty seconds.
Every time, guards and privateers attack me. Often coming in waves. I usually wake up in the graveyard with a quarter of my armor severely dented.
Every single time. It's almost guaranteed.
Now does this ever happen at a Horde city? Nope! I've spent hours and hours in every Horde city, and nobody has EVER attacked me.
What kind of hate-filled hostile environment is being fostered by the Alliance? And do we want the same for our own people?
There it is, folks. 4 good reasons why the dominant faction in Azeroth is, and always should be, the mighty Horde!
And if that won't do it, I have hundreds more. Keep reading, and watch your backs!
Bin mog g'thazag cha
On the fence? Still need to be convinced?
Here are 4 quick reasons why the Horde is the superior side:
1. THE HORDE IS MORE TOLERANT.
Let's face facts. If you join the Horde, you're joining a diverse collection of like-minded beings. Sure we have differences, as only cross-culturalism can provide, but we're a family. Sometimes families squabble, but at the end of the day we still break bread with each other over stories of Alliance cowardice.
If you join the Alliance however, you're simply joining a society that is unwilling to treat you as an equal but still willing to use your stuff. Case in point? Take a look at the map of Stormwind. See the top right? That there, my friends, is the Dwarven Quarter.
Seriously. The Alliance values the Dwarves so much, they are FORCED to live in a different part of the city. Do you get this kind of thing in ANY Horde city?
Absolutely not.
I say this now, Dwarves of Azeroth. You don't have to live by the rules of scumbags like this. Come over to the Horde. We make the best beer anyway. We'll even give you a place to put your hammer. (Bury it in a human. HA!)
2. THE HORDE WINS THE GUNSHIP BATTLE ALL OF THE TIME.
I'll say this about the Skybreaker. It's built well. How else can it suffer the same pounding week after week and still keep coming back? Every Thursday night my guild and I board the Orgrim's Hammer to try and stop the Scourge once and for all, and every time the Skybreaker appears out of nowhere to try and stop us.
It makes me wonder why they're interfering in our mission. Do they WANT the scourge to overrun Azeroth?
Why would anybody want to be part of a team that takes a beating so badly and so often?
3. HORDE HAS THE COOLEST MOTORCYCLES.
Nothing beats the Mechano-hog. It's big, it's loud and it fits two Taurens. The Alliance equivalent showcases the whiny entitlement we've come to admire. "Mekgineer's Chopper". Meh.
Now I don't know who this "Mekgineer" fellow is, but he seems quite happy to take credit for every single Alliance motorcycle out there. Is he really that needy? The Mechano-hog has no owner. It's the equivalent of a wild animal. Owned by nothing, slave to no-one.
4. THE HORDE CAPITAL CITIES ARE MUCH MORE PEACEFUL.
I tell you, every now and then I have the "honor" of visiting an Alliance city. (Actually I have to admit, Stormwind and Ironforge are quite impressive. And The Exodar is a crashed spaceship, which is pretty cool.)
However, I can't really enjoy myself since a fight is almost guaranteed to break out within thirty seconds.
Every time, guards and privateers attack me. Often coming in waves. I usually wake up in the graveyard with a quarter of my armor severely dented.
Every single time. It's almost guaranteed.
Now does this ever happen at a Horde city? Nope! I've spent hours and hours in every Horde city, and nobody has EVER attacked me.
What kind of hate-filled hostile environment is being fostered by the Alliance? And do we want the same for our own people?
There it is, folks. 4 good reasons why the dominant faction in Azeroth is, and always should be, the mighty Horde!
And if that won't do it, I have hundreds more. Keep reading, and watch your backs!
Bin mog g'thazag cha
What you need to know
Lok'Tar Azeroth!
This is Ian the Angry Orc, and I have an axe to grind.
My friends, Azeroth as we know it is in the proverbial swamp. Our once great land has been torn apart by petty skirmishes, fought against the backdrop of manifest destiny, under the banner of whiny self-entitled pink bags of meat and water.
I speak of course, of the Alliance.
There is little doubt that much of our suffering is caused by Varian Wrynn. His approval numbers are way down, and I don't even know what approval numbers are. (If an orc has a low approval rating, axes are thrown at his head). Clearly this "Alliance" is struggling, and they're taking Azeroth with them.
We need to return to traditional Horde values. We need to reclaim our land. We need to end human aggression, and put a stop to the plague of blue banners that creeps across our land and threatens us all.
For those in the know (and if you're reading this, you're well on your way) the Horde is clearly the team to be on.
Join me here as I post my thoughts and ruminations of Alliance atrocities. The truth must be told. The truth that the Alliance does not want you to know!
Bin mog g'thazag cha
This is Ian the Angry Orc, and I have an axe to grind.
My friends, Azeroth as we know it is in the proverbial swamp. Our once great land has been torn apart by petty skirmishes, fought against the backdrop of manifest destiny, under the banner of whiny self-entitled pink bags of meat and water.
I speak of course, of the Alliance.
There is little doubt that much of our suffering is caused by Varian Wrynn. His approval numbers are way down, and I don't even know what approval numbers are. (If an orc has a low approval rating, axes are thrown at his head). Clearly this "Alliance" is struggling, and they're taking Azeroth with them.
We need to return to traditional Horde values. We need to reclaim our land. We need to end human aggression, and put a stop to the plague of blue banners that creeps across our land and threatens us all.
For those in the know (and if you're reading this, you're well on your way) the Horde is clearly the team to be on.
Join me here as I post my thoughts and ruminations of Alliance atrocities. The truth must be told. The truth that the Alliance does not want you to know!
Bin mog g'thazag cha
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